i’m fully awake and aroused and amused by my clean skin on my face and the lack of razor burn thanks to the jack black beard lube my partner in crime and punishment got me she likes my face like a baby’s butt actually maybe she just likes it smooth i hope she doesn’t like baby’s butts i’ll have to ask her butt anyway it’s not made by THAT jack black but if it was that’d be cool too as long as it provided the same comfortable shave treatment before during after and beyond that this lube does MOVING ON UP to the northwest my neck NOT PICTURED is still sunburned from saturday’s wonderful excursion to the strawberry festival which will become an annual tradition in this ____ life i lead FILL IN THE BLANC DE NOIRS i’ve been staring at this picture since i received wind of it via chat at ten o’clock this morning well i’ve had the tab open on my browser AND IT’S NOT GETTING CLOSED EVER

this rambling blog post complete with chill self-portrait is brought to you by jack black beard lube conditioning shave with jojoba and eucalyptus oils 

4:27 pm  •  22 May 2012  •  9 notes

life is a temperamental state filled with creatures and light and energy and GEE GOLLY it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood people are out sirens are blazing buffalo wings horses are hoofing derbys are hats worn with pride and this dog keeps farting in his sleep FUNKY BOY

2:44 pm  •  5 May 2012  •  12 notes

you always feel GOOD when you look GOOD in some new threads RIGHT so when i say I LOOK GOOD in my brand spanking new high logic clothing limited edition tee i’m not being facetious or flippant or conceited or narcissistic I’M BEING TRUTHFUL marilyn monroe seemed like a superfun kinda lady someone who was graceful under the pressure of hot lights and cameras and action during the day yet down to skinny dip in a lake at midnight by herself just to feel feelings and see stars one might say she invented “duck face” THAT’S NOT ME i never knew her at all sad she was assassinated though the world needed/needs more joyful people in it it’s a shame that it seemed to me like she lived her life like a candle on the window sill FOR REAL i was just a kid in a china shop when i first saw her but BOY i could tell she was a WOMAN

4:30 pm  •  30 April 2012  •  17 notes

i was chatting with nicky about how j wellington wimpy is just basically wc fields with a penchant for cheeseburgers instead of liquor and mocha java and i’ll never forget how i have this book she gave me about william claude and his filmic follies because it’s like a bible to me and i praise her and j-hov everytime i open its pages and recite its text and laugh the good laugh HAHAHAHAHA snap back to reality o there goes my mind do you like the american television program about the doctor gregory house I DO there’s a muted marathon on my boob tube i’m not really watching who am i kidding I’M LOVIN IT i bet jack nicholson would’ve been a great house if it was a movie in the mid-seventies nobody better steal my idea i’ve got it ©OPYW®ITERED™

2:50 pm  •  25 April 2012  •  8 notes

toby is upset because he wants to sleep to dream probly about paper bags or lana del rey in a black and gold lamé cocktail dress or “green technology” and all i want to do is wish my lady a safe trip up norte and plan my next cheeseburger meal for later and finish up my set for tonight IT’S GONNA BE FUN erika is taking over the booth for some grrl-powerr jamz in the 11 o’clock hour and i’ll be spinning a ton of fun stuff like the byrds and the brian jonestown massacre and squeeze and mayer hawthorne and now, now and white denim and sam the sham & the pharaohs and the unicorns and zipper like i just said IT’S GONNA BE FUN ok off to slumberville POPULATION 2

12:57 pm  •  19 April 2012  •  12 notes

did you know in the last three-plus years the country of iceland went from bankruptcy and nationalized banks and government resignation and refusal of debt repayments and protests in the street to a re-write of their constitution and exile and soon-to-be-incarceration of the people responsible for their financial collapse and eventual bankruptcy of the entire government in a relatively peaceful and SILENT revolution and did you know i’ve eaten a hot dog for lunch for the past four days in a row and did you know angels are aliens or vice-versa and did you know four quarters makes a basketball game and did you know a dollar buys you a taquito at 7-11 on tuesdays and did you know i have a japanese medlar tree in my backyard NO YOU DIDN’T

11:10 am  •  12 April 2012  •  15 notes

i have a day off and a belly full of baja fresh and i noticed the restaurant if i can call it that was the fourth baja fresh OF ALL TIME and it’s in some dinky strip mall next to an in-n-out and i should’ve eaten there but my father had a five dollar off coupon and you know I LOVE COUPONS and there was this busted yellow box truck with a really neato piece of unsolicited art on it and i photographed it to enjoy FOREVER my feet smell like wet leather and it’s a quiet intoxication engaging through my nostrils so let’s imbibe the future and vomit the past and we can get sick on history and demolish and destroy and rebuild society in the image of our fathers’ mothers’ brothers’ nephews’ pets WOOF WOOF

2:28 pm  •  10 April 2012  •  12 notes

i’ve been gone but now i’m black been lost but now i’m found been blind but now i can see KINDA been working too hard or too hardly working depending on yr pov mine is clean and clear and under control ZIT FREE 

11:14 am  •  3 April 2012  •  21 notes

i’m sick and tired of being sick i broke my computer screen so i have to be tethered to a monitor like i’m a prisoner BALL AND CHAINED i might have no car but at least i still know how to take the bus at least i still have two pairs of socks on at least my voice is deep because i’m sick and i’m tired of overly altruistic people and everything zen bagels and coughing YEAH i could never cough again and go on with my life and live forever happily BREATHE IN BREATHE OUT

2:06 pm  •  13 March 2012  •  8 notes

you ever stare at a pattern long enough yr eyes start to converge and the pattern begins to move and swirl and the world slows down around you and blue becomes red and fission becomes fusion and cathode ray tubes recede back into themselves into black forever I HAVE and i never want to stop and the music keeps time sans metronome and sleep finally becomes this archaic notion of need when in the beginning g-d created man’s desires and joy was just a chubby grrl’s name and real live bitches teased and brutalized her I SEEN’T IT and it wasn’t pretty and the rain started falling and it burned the leaves and yet the tap tap tapping on the roof was soothing and calming and not yelling it was no place for a lady but i was no lady I AM ZUUL

4:02 pm  •  28 February 2012  •  8 notes

this is my TUESDAY face this is the closest i will get to hair perfection the closest i will get to beard perfection the closest i will get i hope you enjoy it i hope you eat it up i hope you leave no scraps for the wolves or vultures or carrier pigeons caged atop the apartments in lower los angeles i hope it brings you joy like cheeseburgers bring me joy sometimes when i’m around proper nouns i feel like a million cheeseburgers like i should like i will there’s two things stopping me from being happier today DISTANCE AND TIME it’s impossible to be in two places at once like when you want to eat a cheeseburger from THE APPLE PAN but you don’t have enough money plus you have to work to make that money so you can’t eat it MAN THAT SUCKS o well c’est la life as the montrealaise say THEY CAN SPEAK FRENCH AND ENGLISH DON’T YA KNOW i do know time moves in many directions right now i’m moving forward someday soon i’ll be moving in circles and rhombi and dodecahedrons until then BON APPÉTIT

10:48 am  •  14 February 2012  •  14 notes

it’s my haircut and i’ll cry if i want to cry if i want to you would cry too if it happened to you NOT REALLY the end result is all smiles and cheeseburgers and rainbows and healthy compensation for a job well done i got a letter in the mail well a postcard actually i didn’t even know stamps still exist O WELL expect plenty of parcels with this new information i received you’ll be receiving some new information too O THE WELLS FARGO WAGON IS A’COMIN DOWN THE STREET sometimes i wish i could ride a horse EVERYWHERE but then i remember that they don’t get good reception and i like to listen to sports radio and npr i’m cultured i have class i read books and stuff i can also drink beer and eat cheeseburgers and quote stats and burp and fart in anthropologie or any other store that sells candles and trinkets and knick-knacks and bric-a-brac and useless junk like cvs BUT DO THEY SELL STAMPS

12:55 pm  •  6 February 2012  •  18 notes

just put a run on my bank for the first time this millennium excuse me WILLENNIUM came home and put spiritualized on the jukebox still in need of a hair cut but i’m okay i’m getting by i have a goal and a message and decisions to make in order to achieve greatness and i’m not gonna let anything get in my way there are obstacles in my path but i’m starting p90x soon so i’ll be able to move said obstacles with lean muscle it’s confusion that keeps you from plateauing not just while exercising in life too knowing the unknown is what keeps you moving forward everyday is unknown and unique and exciting and i can’t wait to share that with you COME ALONG AND RIDE ON A FANTASTIC VOYAGE

5:00 pm  •  2 February 2012  •  9 notes