Anonymous asked: what do you do when you want to feel less alone?

• eat cheeseburgers
• think about my girlfriend
• read and write
• watch entertainments
• put on a record
• count coins in my piggy bank
• take walks with a camera 
• smoke cigarettes
• call my creditors and pretend i’m calling a suicide prevention hotline
• do laundry
• rep 3 sets of 50 naked jumping jacks in front of a full-length mirror
• see how long i can hold my breath 
• cry
• take a long shower (hot or cold, sometimes both)
• get lost in hyper-dimensional thinking and conspiracy theories and aliens
• dream about red-bottomed heels and lace garments and the women that wear them
• watch porn 
• sleep

MORE OR LESS IN THAT ORDER

12:01 pm  •  13 March 2012  •  9 notes

Anonymous question answer

Anonymous asked: what is your drink of choice and who would you most like to enjoy it with?

1. Black Cow
2. Johnnie Walker Double Black
3. Allagash Curieux
4. A Cup of Coffee
5. Balvenie Doublewood 
6. Coldbuster from Jamba Juice

People

1. Me
2. Myself
3. I
4. Woody Allen
5. A Beautiful Lady with a good ear, a deep heart and a hollow leg
6. A Real Friend with a good ear, a deep heart and a hollow leg
7. The Inventor of Root Beer
8. Mickey Mouse from The Sorcerer’s Apprentice scene in Fantasia

11:37 am  •  31 January 2012  •  7 notes

Anonymous Questions Answers woody allen forever

Anonymous asked: FYI: "Standard issue military eyeglasses are considered so unflattering, service members have an acronym for them: BCGs or Birth Control Glasses. For the first time in more than 20 years, the military is updating its look. Instead of those thick brown plastic frames, recruits can get sleeker black plastic specs."

Thanks for the PSA.

I don’t know why people consider them unflattering. I get compliments on these frames daily. From ladies and dudes. I’m pretty sure 99% of people don’t realize they are BCGs in the first place. They think I’m just some “hip dude” wearing “ironically oversized” glasses. I love dropping that knowledge and watching their reaction. 

I also own five pairs in case these ever break, but I doubt it. They’re designed for combat, and the only combat I’m getting into is when my cat kneads on my face in the morning.

3:24 pm  •  26 January 2012  •  13 notes

Anonymous Questions Answers gpoy

Anonymous asked: Fuck, marry, kill: Margaret Thatcher, Barbara Walters, Evan Kleiman.

Another great question. For all of these broads, it comes down to voice.

Right off the bat, I’d have to kill Barbara Walters. Sure I’d miss out on some great stories, but, honestly, how could I sit through them, listening to those shrill, piercing, nasal words coming from her face. Put a gag in her mouth and waterboard her, for real.

Next, I’m buying two tickets on the train to Bone Town for me and the Iron Lady. Strong women make the best lovers in the sack. They know what they want, and how to get it. They’re usually down for being taken advantage of too because they know no matter what, they’re always in control. Plus, I’d love to see that pomp of hers, post an all-night pound session, basking in the glow of the morning sun, over a cup of tea and a fag. I’d be accent-uating the positive in her, all night.

As for Evan, I’ve already got the ring. How could I turn down that smiling vocal tone, waking me up every day with some sort of le petit dejeuner or at the least a cup of joe, a fresh croissant from Susina and fresh farmers market fruits, blended and juiced to perfection? I CAN’T! And meals around LA with Jonathan Gold? That’s a fringe benefit I could never get tired of.

10:31 am  •  25 January 2012  •  11 notes

anonymous questions answers fmk

Anonymous asked: What do you want to be when you grow up?

I don’t know. I could see myself as a lot of things:

1. Doctor
2. Lawyer 
3. Baseball Player
4. Junkie
5. Roadie
6. Speaker of the House
7. Leather tanner
8. Train conductor
9. List writer
10. Incandescent lightbulb manufacturer
11. Vacuum salesman in a foreign country
12. Kosher butcher
13. Memory foam bed tester
14. Feline groomer
15. Calligrapher
16. Collector of vintage America OnLine floppy discs
17. Ryan Gosling’s stand-in
18. Just For Men spokesperson
19. Blacksmith
20. Writing on a cable TV show
21. Telling jokes
22. A good man
23. Healthy
24. In love
25. Able to eat a cheeseburger anytime I damn well please

That’s about it. Thanks for asking.

5:27 pm  •  23 January 2012  •  9 notes

Anonymous Questions Answers